Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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