i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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