We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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