we made out on top of his cat.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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