Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
