i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
