First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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