her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
