yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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