Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dignity is for republicans.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
