I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
