Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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