I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
And then he peed in my hair
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