Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
