Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
