I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
