they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
