Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
