so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
