I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
