Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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