When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
