Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
