I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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