True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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