So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
