You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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