I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
