Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
