I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
