i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
