i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
