You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
