did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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