How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
