She is in my trunk
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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