Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
