One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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