Betty ford says i'm here all night
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
