Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
