Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
being pregnant is like rehab
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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