Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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