He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
