Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
