We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
