fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
