Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
