i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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