Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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