Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
