He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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