wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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