Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
