I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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