Buhtt sex?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
